MARRIAGE

Orthodox:

The traditional Hebrew word for marriage is Kiddushin. It is derived from kadosh-holy and this describes quite accurately the Jewish attitude toward marriage. The Bible describes marriage as the natural state intended by God. "Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh" And the rabbis went further: "He who is without a wife dwells without blessings, life, joy, good, and peace."

The degree of holiness that Judaism ascribes to marriage is attested by the tradition that God can be present in the marriage partnership. "When husband and wife are worthy, the Divine Presence abides with them. "The idea that the bond of marriage is sacred and eternal, a reflection of the berit between God and the people Israel, goes back to the Bible, particularly to the prophecies of Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Hosea . In the Middle Ages the mystic poets of Safed embellished the Shabbat liturgy with the image of joyous conjugal union as a symbol of the berit between God and Israel. It is in this tradition of sacred covenant that a man and a woman are inspired to build together the mikdash meat (the miniature sanctuary) that the Jewish home should be, a place of serenity and warmth sanctified daily by the performance of mitzvot. In such an atmosphere Israel may survive eternally as a "kingdom of priests and a holy people" Consequently of all the joyous occasions of Judaism, the heartiest Mazal Tov is reserved for the wedding.

The family is the core of Jewish community and center of religious life. Jewish existence and continuity depends upon it. Therefore, Jewish Law legislates every aspect of marriage's formation and healthy development and growth. It is the Jewish home, that has preserved the traditions and values of Judaism through centuries of dispersion.

Orthodox Judaism recognizes the fact that procreation is one of the major purposes in marriage. However, marriage has its own significance, sanctity and self-fulfillment, apart from children. " ...A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife , so they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24). Thus people unable to have children –because of infertility or after menopause—still find in marriage sexual satisfaction, companionship, and love. Thus, the main objective of marriage is to find a "holy" way of happiness.

The Talmud and our sages wisdom recordings have many words of advice to achieve such happiness. For example: "A man must love his wife at least as much as himself but honor her more than himself." (Yevamot 62b, , Sanhedrin 76b).

Biblical Law considers satisfying sex an obligation, and one of the responsibilities of a married man toward his wife. (Ona) The beauty of character, and even the health of the offspring were considered by our sages to be influenced by the quality of he sexual relationships between the married couple.

Hence, in Orthodox Judaism, sex is seen as an integral and very important part of marriage and therefore it is thoroughly regulated (or may be over-regulated?). For example, Jewish Law warns against forcing one's wife to engaging in intercourse; it warns against having intercourse under the influence of alcohol: or while a couple is quarreling and "hatred drives them..."

Maimonides sums-up the Halakhic view of sex : "Sexual union should be consummated only out of desire and as a result of joy of the husband and wife.

Still the Halakha places limitations upon the sexual expression between husband and wife in order to create, holiness within the couple. (See Kosher Sex.)

Reform:

To the Jewish imagination, the wedding is a prototypical act of creation. The Zohar, the great book of Jewish mysticism, states, "God creates new worlds constantly. In what way? By causing marriages to take place." The wedding is the premiere life-cycle event. Although the core of the ritual is simplicity itself, the customs, symbols and rituals associated with Jewish weddings spill over into more than a year's worth of celebration and joy. Until recently, it seemed that conspicuous consumption and the urge to assimilate would overwhelm the Jewish wedding. However, modern practice has begun to move the focus of the wedding away from the guests, the menu, the gifts, and the spectacle, and onto the "new world" created by the love of the bride and groom. Reb Nachman of Bratslav, a 17th century Hasidic master, is credited with a wonderful story on this subject:

A group of people who have been to a wedding are walking home when one says, "That was a beautiful wedding. The food was out of this world." One of her companions says, "It was a great wedding. The band was terrific." A third friend chimes in, "I never had more fun at a wedding. I got to talk to people I hadn't seen in years." But Reb Nachman, who overhears this conversation, says, "Those people weren't really at a wedding." Then a fourth person joins the group and says, "Isn't it wonderful that those two people found each other!" At that Reb Nachman says, "Now that person was at a wedding!"

At their best, Jewish weddings are simultaneously reverent and hilarious; delicious and schmaltzy; intimate and communal; mysterious, romantic and revealing. Everyone who has been there feels like they witnessed some sort of miracle.

The Huppah
Jewish marriage ceremonies take place beneath a huppah, (basically a canopy supported by four poles). Although there are customs and conventions about the most appropriate location for a wedding, a huppah can be raised anywhere, reflecting the Jewish notion that almost any place can be made a holy place by human action and intention. The huppah is a multifaceted symbol of home, garment, bedcovering, and a reminder of the tents of the ancient Hebrews. During the 16th century, the vogue was for a portable canopy held aloft by four friends, a custom that remains popular to this day. Some couples have embraced the old custom of using a tallit, (prayershaw) as a canopy, a symbol that affirms a commitment to creating a Jewish home. People also commission or make beautiful canopies using batik, silk-screen, weaving, quilting, and embroidery. These become instant heirlooms and are often displayed in the married couple's home, on a wall or even suspended as a canopy over the bed. Although a huppah can be raised almost anywhere, Jewish law is far more prescriptive about the timing of weddings.

Marriages do not take place on the Sabbath, nor on the major holidays and festivals, including dates from ancient days when a groom would carry the bride off to his tent to consummate the marriage. Although consummation has not immediately followed the wedding ceremony for many centuries, these moments of private time have remained as a demonstration of the couple's new level of intimacy.

Yichad
Yichud has been described as a period of bonding, an island of privacy and peace before the public celebration begins. It is a time for bride and groom to hold one another, to face one another, to let it all sink in. Celebrating
"Reception" is too formal a word for the celebration of a wedding. Simcha is more accurate. Simcha means joy as well as the celebration of a joyous event, and the purpose of Jewish wedding parties is to increase the joy of the bride and groom. The Talmud says that anyone who enjoys a wedding feast but does nothing to rejoice the hearts of the bride and groom has transgressed against the "five voices:" the voice of joy, the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom, the voice of the bride, and the voice that praises God.

The meal that follows a Jewish wedding is a seudat mitzvah, a meal that fulfills a religious commandment to rejoice. At a wedding, everything that increases happiness-words of Torah, blessings, songs, dances, toasts, riddles, jokes, and parodies; indeed anything that make the bride and groom laugh-is considered a religious act, a way of praising God. In order to ensure the mitzvah of entertaining the bride and groom, some couples have revived the role and title of badchan, which means "joker." The badchan's job is to act as master of ceremonies for the celebration by making toasts, telling jokes, and organizing and eliciting performances from other guests. Sentiment as well as foolishness plays a part in this assignment, thus a badchan may start by reading a love poem, then lead the guests in a song or "mazel tov" (congratulations), cheer, crown the "royal" couples with paper crowns, and tell the band when to play a slow song for romantic dancing.

Perhaps the best-known of all Jewish wedding dance customs is the moment at which the bride and groom are raised up on chairs and whirled around each other holding either end of a handkerchief. The custom may have originated as a way for the bride and groom to catch a glimpse of one another over the Rhysical barrier that separated the rejoicing of the women from the men. But it may also be an echo of the privileges of royalty, who have been carried in chairs and on litters from earliest times.

The Processional
In a standard Hollywood wedding, the father escorts his daughter down the aisle and gives her away. The Jewish custom is very different. Both parents lead their childrens sons as well as daughters-to the huppah and to marriage. No one is "given away." Indeed, the Jewish processional demonstrates how a marriage is a union of families, not just individuals. In some communities, it is customary for members of the processional to light the way with candles; a hand-held huppah can also be part of the processional. But the most common way of welcoming the bride and groom to the huppah is with music. In ancient times, the sounds of flutes greeted the bride and groom, and Yemenite brides are sometimes preceded by a group of singing women. In America, string quartets, organs, choirs, soloists, or the guests themselves perform this customary honor.

Under the Huppah
Before the 11 th century, the Jewish wedding was comprised of two distinct rituals separated by as much as a year. The first of these was betrothal or kiddushin, from the same root as the word kadosh, ( holy). After betrothal, the bride and groom were considered legally wed and a formal bill of divorce was necessary to dissolve the marriage. Even so, the marriage was not consummated until after the next ceremony, the nuptials or nissuin. Nissuin derives from the verb nasa, which means to carry or lift, and may refer to the days when a bride was carried through the streets to her new home. The nuptials are not accomplished by words, but in a symbolic act of intimacy called yichud. Betrothal designates the bride and groom for each other only; nuptials give them to one another.

It has been ten centuries since these two ceremonies were made into one, but Jewish weddings still show the seam where they were joined. The presence of two cups of wine, one for each ceremony, is a reminder of the time when two separate ceremonies were begun with kiddush, the prayer of sanctification recited over wine.

Circling
Just before the ceremony begins, it is customary for the bride to circle, the groom, either three times or seven times. Circling is a magical means of protection, so the bride builds a wall against evil spirits by walking around the groom. The bride's circle has also been interpreted as a gesture that binds the groom to her. Many Jews abandoned this custom, both because of its magical connotations and because of the apparent subservience in the bride's action. Recently, however, some couples have reclaimed the gesture, interpreting it as a bride's way of defining the space the couple will share. The action itself has also been made more egalitarian by having bride and groom circle each other in turn or walk around each other simultaneously, holding each other's hands.

Betrothal (Kiddushin)
Most Jewish weddings begin with two introductions. The first one is addressed to the people gathered, especially the bride and groom. The second, a prayer asking for God's presence at and blessing of the marriage, is called the "Mi Adir." Next comes the recitation of kiddush, (blessing the wine) which begins virtually all Jewish observances and celebrations. There has been a recent revival of an old European custom of using a special wedding cup or a matched pair of goblets made by Jewish artists. The next blessing, the betrothal blessing, was once recited a full year before the nuptials. Thus, it includes a very specific warning that betrothed couples are not sexually permitted to one another until after the next ritual takes place.

The Jewish wedding liturgy contains no wedding vows or "I do’s". However, because an expression of intention is such a powerful image in American culture, and because couples often feel a need to say "yes" during the ceremony, many rabbis and couples add vows either just prior to or immediately following the ring ceremony. Most rabbis and cantors avoid the "To have and to hold, to honor and obey" formulas common to secular and Christian wedding ceremonies. instead, vows or promises can be personal and specific. Sometimes they are taken from the ketubah, or are written by the bride and groom themselves.

The ring ceremony completes betrothal/kiddushin. At this juncture it has been customary, almost since the beginning of the combined betrothal-and-nuptials wedding in the 12th century, to make a clear separation. Traditionally, this is done by reading the ketubah or part of it, and generally, this is when the rabbi makes a short speech. Sometimes, there are personal additions to the ceremony as well: songs, poems, or personal prayers by family members and friends.

Nuptials (Nissuin)
This ceremony consists of two elements: the seven wedding blessings (sheva b'rachot) and the seclusion of the bridal couple, called yichud. Although a wedding requires only two witnesses to be valid, a minyan -ten adult Jews- must be present for the seven blessings to be recited. Generally, the rabbi or cantor chants the wedding blessings, but there is also a long tradition of honoring special guests by asking them to read or chant one or more of them. in one Sephardic tradition, parents cover the bride and groom with a prayershawl before the seven wedding blessings are recited. Although the seven blessings comprise the longest part of the wedding liturgy, only the last two have anything to say about weddings or brides and grooms. Read as a whole, however, they situate the bride and groom within the entire span of Jewish time. The seven blessings mention the beginning of time in Eden when life was perfect, and the end of days when that perfection, or wholeness, will be restored. A nexus between the first and the last, every wedding becomes the embodiment of union and unity. And because Judaism has no concept of individual redemption, the huppah provides the whole community with a glimpse into the unbroken, healed reality that once was and will be again.

The seven blessings are as follows:
1. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, who creates the fruit of the vine.*

2. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created all things for Your glory.

3. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created humanity.

4. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, You made humankind in Your image, after Your likeness, and You prepared from us a perpetual relationship. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created humanity.

5. May she who was barren. rejoice when her children are united in her midst in joy. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, who makes Zion rejoice with her children.

6. You make these beloved companions greatly rejoice even as You rejoiced in Your creation in the Garden of Eden as of old. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, Who makes the bridegroom and bride to rejoice.

7. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, who created joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, mirth and exultation, pleasure and delight, love, fellowship, peace and friendship. Soon may there be heard in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the jubilant voice of bridegrooms from their canopies and of youths from their feasts of songs. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, You make the bridegroom rejoice with the bride.

The seven blessings conclude the marriage service. Some rabbis give the wedding sermon at this point. Some cantors and rabbis conclude with a benediction.

Secular:

Humanistic Jews reject the idea that the purpose of marriage is the licensing of reproduction. Men and women may legitimately choose marriage, even though they have no intention of having children. And they may rightfully choose to bear children, even though they are not married.

In the eyes of a humanistic morality, marriage is more than living together. It is a public promise by two people to offer each other mutual support and exclusive sexual intimacy. Love and romantic loyalty are its initiation and its emotional glue. Friendship and equality are its style. Bonding becomes an end in itself, not a means to a reproductive end. Children may be chosen. But they complement the relationship, not define it.

The humanistic Jewish wedding ceremony does not start out in the theater of a business deal. It begins with the conception of a bride and groom publicly declaring their commitment of support and loyalty to each other. The heart of this ritual is the articulation of this pledge by both partners in the presence of family and friends. What they say to each other should be no ritual formula. It should be a statement that they have either created or chosen.

This statement can be accompanied by an exchange of rings or other gifts as visible signs of their commitment. Songs and poetry (Hebrew or otherwise) about love and loyalty, a marriage contract designed to the character of their personal relationship, and philosophic statements about the humanistic meaning of marriage -together with a canopy, a wine cup, and a glass waiting to be broken- may all be added if desired.

Jewish identity enters the ceremony in two ways. As a kinship connection, it defines the extended family to which they belong. As history, it serves as a paradigm for the marriage relationship, itself. Just as Jewish experience teaches us that people must ultimately rely on their own talents and skills for their survival, so do the successful bride and groom acknowledge that the quality of their marriage will ultimately be determined by their own effort - and not by reliance on the kindness of the unpredictable fates. The special humanistic message of Jewish identity complements the humanism of their own commitments.