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MARRIAGEOrthodox:The traditional Hebrew word for marriage is Kiddushin. It is derived from kadosh-holy and this describes quite accurately the Jewish attitude toward marriage. The Bible describes marriage as the natural state intended by God. "Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh" And the rabbis went further: "He who is without a wife dwells without blessings, life, joy, good, and peace." The degree of holiness that Judaism ascribes to marriage is attested by the tradition that God can be present in the marriage partnership. "When husband and wife are worthy, the Divine Presence abides with them. "The idea that the bond of marriage is sacred and eternal, a reflection of the berit between God and the people Israel, goes back to the Bible, particularly to the prophecies of Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Hosea . In the Middle Ages the mystic poets of Safed embellished the Shabbat liturgy with the image of joyous conjugal union as a symbol of the berit between God and Israel. It is in this tradition of sacred covenant that a man and a woman are inspired to build together the mikdash meat (the miniature sanctuary) that the Jewish home should be, a place of serenity and warmth sanctified daily by the performance of mitzvot. In such an atmosphere Israel may survive eternally as a "kingdom of priests and a holy people" Consequently of all the joyous occasions of Judaism, the heartiest Mazal Tov is reserved for the wedding. The family is the core of Jewish community and center of religious life. Jewish existence and continuity depends upon it. Therefore, Jewish Law legislates every aspect of marriage's formation and healthy development and growth. It is the Jewish home, that has preserved the traditions and values of Judaism through centuries of dispersion. Orthodox Judaism recognizes the fact that procreation is one of the major purposes in marriage. However, marriage has its own significance, sanctity and self-fulfillment, apart from children. " ...A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife , so they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24). Thus people unable to have children –because of infertility or after menopause—still find in marriage sexual satisfaction, companionship, and love. Thus, the main objective of marriage is to find a "holy" way of happiness. The Talmud and our sages wisdom recordings have many words of advice to achieve such happiness. For example: "A man must love his wife at least as much as himself but honor her more than himself." (Yevamot 62b, , Sanhedrin 76b). Biblical Law considers satisfying sex an obligation, and one of the responsibilities of a married man toward his wife. (Ona) The beauty of character, and even the health of the offspring were considered by our sages to be influenced by the quality of he sexual relationships between the married couple. Hence, in Orthodox Judaism, sex is seen as an integral and very important part of marriage and therefore it is thoroughly regulated (or may be over-regulated?). For example, Jewish Law warns against forcing one's wife to engaging in intercourse; it warns against having intercourse under the influence of alcohol: or while a couple is quarreling and "hatred drives them..." Maimonides sums-up the Halakhic view of sex : "Sexual union should be consummated only out of desire and as a result of joy of the husband and wife. Still the Halakha places limitations upon the sexual expression between husband and wife in order to create, holiness within the couple. (See Kosher Sex.) Reform: To the Jewish imagination, the wedding is a prototypical act of creation. The Zohar, the great book of Jewish mysticism, states, "God creates new worlds constantly. In what way? By causing marriages to take place." The wedding is the premiere life-cycle event. Although the core of the ritual is simplicity itself, the customs, symbols and rituals associated with Jewish weddings spill over into more than a year's worth of celebration and joy. Until recently, it seemed that conspicuous consumption and the urge to assimilate would overwhelm the Jewish wedding. However, modern practice has begun to move the focus of the wedding away from the guests, the menu, the gifts, and the spectacle, and onto the "new world" created by the love of the bride and groom. Reb Nachman of Bratslav, a 17th century Hasidic master, is credited with a wonderful story on this subject: A group of people who have been to a wedding are walking home when one says, "That was a beautiful wedding. The food was out of this world." One of her companions says, "It was a great wedding. The band was terrific." A third friend chimes in, "I never had more fun at a wedding. I got to talk to people I hadn't seen in years." But Reb Nachman, who overhears this conversation, says, "Those people weren't really at a wedding." Then a fourth person joins the group and says, "Isn't it wonderful that those two people found each other!" At that Reb Nachman says, "Now that person was at a wedding!" At their best, Jewish weddings are simultaneously reverent and hilarious; delicious and schmaltzy; intimate and communal; mysterious, romantic and revealing. Everyone who has been there feels like they witnessed some sort of miracle. The Huppah Marriages do not take place on the Sabbath, nor on the major holidays and festivals, including dates from ancient days when a groom would carry the bride off to his tent to consummate the marriage. Although consummation has not immediately followed the wedding ceremony for many centuries, these moments of private time have remained as a demonstration of the couple's new level of intimacy. Yichad The meal that follows a Jewish wedding is a seudat mitzvah, a meal that fulfills a religious commandment to rejoice. At a wedding, everything that increases happiness-words of Torah, blessings, songs, dances, toasts, riddles, jokes, and parodies; indeed anything that make the bride and groom laugh-is considered a religious act, a way of praising God. In order to ensure the mitzvah of entertaining the bride and groom, some couples have revived the role and title of badchan, which means "joker." The badchan's job is to act as master of ceremonies for the celebration by making toasts, telling jokes, and organizing and eliciting performances from other guests. Sentiment as well as foolishness plays a part in this assignment, thus a badchan may start by reading a love poem, then lead the guests in a song or "mazel tov" (congratulations), cheer, crown the "royal" couples with paper crowns, and tell the band when to play a slow song for romantic dancing. Perhaps the best-known of all Jewish wedding dance customs is the moment at which the bride and groom are raised up on chairs and whirled around each other holding either end of a handkerchief. The custom may have originated as a way for the bride and groom to catch a glimpse of one another over the Rhysical barrier that separated the rejoicing of the women from the men. But it may also be an echo of the privileges of royalty, who have been carried in chairs and on litters from earliest times. The Processional Under the Huppah It has been ten centuries since these two ceremonies were made into one, but Jewish weddings still show the seam where they were joined. The presence of two cups of wine, one for each ceremony, is a reminder of the time when two separate ceremonies were begun with kiddush, the prayer of sanctification recited over wine. Circling Betrothal (Kiddushin) The Jewish wedding liturgy contains no wedding vows or "I do’s". However, because an expression of intention is such a powerful image in American culture, and because couples often feel a need to say "yes" during the ceremony, many rabbis and couples add vows either just prior to or immediately following the ring ceremony. Most rabbis and cantors avoid the "To have and to hold, to honor and obey" formulas common to secular and Christian wedding ceremonies. instead, vows or promises can be personal and specific. Sometimes they are taken from the ketubah, or are written by the bride and groom themselves. The ring ceremony completes betrothal/kiddushin. At this juncture it has been customary, almost since the beginning of the combined betrothal-and-nuptials wedding in the 12th century, to make a clear separation. Traditionally, this is done by reading the ketubah or part of it, and generally, this is when the rabbi makes a short speech. Sometimes, there are personal additions to the ceremony as well: songs, poems, or personal prayers by family members and friends. Nuptials (Nissuin) The seven blessings are as follows: 2. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created all things for Your glory. 3. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created humanity. 4. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, You made humankind in Your image, after Your likeness, and You prepared from us a perpetual relationship. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, you created humanity. 5. May she who was barren. rejoice when her children are united in her midst in joy. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, who makes Zion rejoice with her children. 6. You make these beloved companions greatly rejoice even as You rejoiced in Your creation in the Garden of Eden as of old. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, Who makes the bridegroom and bride to rejoice. 7. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, who created joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, mirth and exultation, pleasure and delight, love, fellowship, peace and friendship. Soon may there be heard in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the jubilant voice of bridegrooms from their canopies and of youths from their feasts of songs. You abound in Blessings, Adonai our God, You make the bridegroom rejoice with the bride. The seven blessings conclude the marriage service. Some rabbis give the wedding sermon at this point. Some cantors and rabbis conclude with a benediction. Humanistic Jews reject the idea that the purpose of marriage is the licensing of reproduction. Men and women may legitimately choose marriage, even though they have no intention of having children. And they may rightfully choose to bear children, even though they are not married. In the eyes of a humanistic morality, marriage is more than living together. It is a public promise by two people to offer each other mutual support and exclusive sexual intimacy. Love and romantic loyalty are its initiation and its emotional glue. Friendship and equality are its style. Bonding becomes an end in itself, not a means to a reproductive end. Children may be chosen. But they complement the relationship, not define it. The humanistic Jewish wedding ceremony does not start out in the theater of a business deal. It begins with the conception of a bride and groom publicly declaring their commitment of support and loyalty to each other. The heart of this ritual is the articulation of this pledge by both partners in the presence of family and friends. What they say to each other should be no ritual formula. It should be a statement that they have either created or chosen. This statement can be accompanied by an exchange of rings or other gifts as visible signs of their commitment. Songs and poetry (Hebrew or otherwise) about love and loyalty, a marriage contract designed to the character of their personal relationship, and philosophic statements about the humanistic meaning of marriage -together with a canopy, a wine cup, and a glass waiting to be broken- may all be added if desired. Jewish identity enters the ceremony in two ways. As a kinship connection, it defines the extended family to
which they belong. As history, it serves as a paradigm for the marriage relationship, itself. Just as Jewish
experience teaches us that people must ultimately rely on their own talents and skills for their survival, so do
the successful bride and groom acknowledge that the quality of their marriage will ultimately be determined by
their own effort - and not by reliance on the kindness of the unpredictable fates. The special humanistic
message of Jewish identity complements the humanism of their own commitments.
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