INTERMARRIAGE
Orthodox:
When a Jew announces his or her decision to marry a non-Jew, red lights tend to start flashing. For the most
part, the Jewish community perceives intermarriage as a threat to the continuation of the Jewish people.
In the Chasidic and Orthodox world inter-marriage is the worst that can happen, its the door out. It used to be
that the parents would sit "Shiva", as if that son or daughter had passed away. Today, given than 50% of
Jewish marriages are mixed, some Chasidic sects, such as the Chabad, and many Orthodox groups, do Kiruv
work (trying to get these Jews back to Judaism). If a a woman is the one who intermarrys her children are
Halakhicly Jewish, so they try to convert the husband. If the man is Jewish, they need to convince the wife
and kids to convert to Judaism.
Reform:
Relatively few rabbis officiate at interfaith marriages, and couples who feel personally rejected by this position
rarely understand its basis in Jewish law. A Jewish wedding has legal standing when two witnesses see the
bride accept a ring from the groom and hear him say, "With this ring you are consecrated to me according to
the laws of Moses and Israel." A rabbi does not marry a bride and groom, they marry each other with these
words and gestures. Thus, if one of the parties is not bound "by the laws of Moses and Israel," the marriage
has no standing. Another reason for rabbis' reluctance to participate in intermarriage ceremonies is that the
major function of Jewish weddings is to establish Jewish homes and families. According to traditional Jewish
Law, children born to non-Jewish mothers are not considered Jews. Recent demographic evidence has shown
that very few children of mixed-faith marriages identify with the Jewish world.
Strong feelings about intermarriage tend to overwhelm and ignore the dilemmas facing many interinarrying
couples. However, there are individuals in most cities and towns -among them counselors at Jewish agencies,
rabbis, and cantors- who are willing to listen and discuss the ways intermarrying couples can affirm their
connection to Judaism through the wedding. Many rabbis suggest that couples seek out a judge or justice of
the peace to perform a ceremony that includes Jewish references and symbols.
Some rabbis and cantors do officiate at weddings between Jews and non-Jews, not as a matter of course but
on a case-by-case basis. Such rabbis agree to officiate when the non-Jew has no religious affiliation and both
people express a willingness to create a Jewish home. These interfaith weddings, which may not include all
the liturgical elements of a traditional Jewish wedding, are seen as ways of encouraging couples to become
members of the Jewish community, and to raise Jewish children. But the only option that satisfies the entire
Jewish community is the conversion of the non-Jewish partner to Judaism. Once a non-Jew has become a
Jew, intermarriage is no longer an issue. However, it must be noted that Orthodox Jews and the state of Israel
recognize only those conversions supervised by Orthodox rabbis.
Should Reform Rabbis Perform Intermarriages?
We now turn to a topic where very big differences of opinion still exist, so let's make certain that we all
understand the terms we are using. Intermarriage means a marriage between a Jew and someone who is not
Jewish. (This is also sometimes called a mixed marriage, referring to the mix of two religions.) When one of
the partners to a marriage officially leaves his/her religion and accepts the religion of the other partner (or at
any time a person takes the necessary steps to change religions), that person is a convert and the process is
known as conversion. Once someone has converted to Judaism, the person is a Jew and a marriage between
a convert and a born Jew is not an intermarriage. Some Jews mistakenly think that a person who has
converted to Judaism is less Jewish than a born Jew, or even a kind of "second class" Jew. There is no basis
in Jewish tradition or modern Judaism for that judgment. Most "Jews by choice" have studied about Jewish
history and obligations and are therefore more knowledgeable and more enthusiastic about being good Jews
than the majority of Jews who know little, care little, and do little.
The problem we want to look at here is not conversion or even whether or not to accept intermarried couples
as members of Reform congregations. Most synagogues have no difficulty welcoming intermarried couples
into congregational life. The unresolved question involves what Reform rabbis ought to be doing. Specifically:
The rabbis who perform intermarriages say that what they are doing will help the Jewish community.
They'quote statistics showing that the majority of intermarried couples choose the Jewish community when
they choose to be involved in a religion, and that they raise their children as Jews. These rabbis point out that
many non-Jewish partners even convert to Judaism later on. They believe that by welcoming the newly married
couple and making them feel that they can find a home within Judaism the rabbi is helping keep them as part
of the Jewish community. They say that rabbis who refuse to perform mixed marriages are discouraging
Jewish families and chasing away' future Jews. Needless to say, the Reform rabbis who do not perform
intermarriages disagree. They feel that they have been ordained to serve the Jewish community and that their
authority extends only to Jews. They believe that when they perform a wedding ceremony they are giving the
marriage the blessing of God and the Jewish people. It seems to them that sanctifying an intermarriage
makes a mockery of the values of Judaism. These rabbis, and they are the majority of the Reform rabbinate,
don't agree that sanctioning an intermarriage significantly increases the Jewish community. They are
suspicious of these statistics and cite statistics that are far more negative. They feel they can appropriately
welcome an intermarried couple into the community without lending their presence to an event of which they
do not approve. Besides, they find it nonsensical to urge kids not to interdate or to encourage them to marry
only Jews, if they then reward those who go against the community ideal with the full blessings of Judaism.
Two important Reform Jewish values clash here. The emphasis on ethics and the equality of all people would
seem to make marrying any good person a reasonable thing to do. And perhaps intermarriage wouldn't matter
so much if there were hundreds of millions of Jews in the world and we weren't so strongly convinced that
Judaism must be preserved. But the survival of the Jewish people and the perpetuation of Judaism are critical
to us. The world Jewish population is very small, so every Jewish family matters very much for keeping
Judaism alive.
There is another reason why many Reform rabbis feel that it is not right for them to perform intermarriages.
They are concerned about the rest of the Jewish people. They want to get along with Conservative and
Orthodox Jews for the sake of community causes at home and to help strengthen the Reform movement in
Israel. They believe that if Reform rabbis cooperate with the other movements in areas concerning who is a
Jew and perform marriage and conversion ceremonies according to traditional law the others will have less
reason to oppose Reform.
After some years of passionate debate, the CCAR passed a resolution in 1973 urging Reform rabbis not to
perform intermarriages. The new resolution only reaffirmed what had already been said as early as 1909 (the
problem extends back at least that far). Individual rabbis of course continued to have the right to follow their
own consciences if they disagreed with the decision, as many did.