FROM ENGAGEMENT TO MARRIAGE

Orthodox:

The Mitzvah of Marriage
In Judaism the decision to marry implies a willingness to enter wholeheartedly into a sacred covenant with another person.

Consulting the Rabbi
The couple should call the rabbi before any definite plans are made and arrange a meeting in order to discuss the ceremony and the meaning of marriage in the Jewish tradition as well as the date and place for the ceremony. If one of the partners in the marriage is a stranger to the rabbi and the congregation, an opportunity should be found for that partner and his/her family to meet the rabbi and to attend a service in the synagogue. The better the rabbi knows the couple, the more meaningful and personal the wedding ceremony will be.

The content of the premarital consultations will vary with rabbi and couple, but the couple should take advantage of the rabbi's experience and consult not only about the details of the wedding ceremony, but about the meaning of a Jewish home, Jewish attitudes toward sex and parenthood, the place of the couple in the congregation, and whatever else might concern them as they approach their new status in life.

Civil Requirements
Civil law requires a marriage license and usually a blood test before a marriage may take place. The marriage license should be brought to the rabbi before the wedding ceremony. The Mitzvah of Testing for Genetic Disease.

It is a mitzvah for a couple to be tested for genetic diseases before marriage, in keeping with the fundamental Jewish principle of the sanctity of life. In those rare cases where both bride and groom are found to be carriers, they should seek out the best medical advice and should also consult with their rabbi.

The Mitzvah of Blessing in the Synagogue
It is a mitzvah for a bride and groom to be blessed in the synagogue either on the occasion of the public announcement of their engagement or on the Sabbath preceding their marriage." This ceremony may take different forms depending upon the practices of the congregation. The traditional ceremony, often referred to as an Oif-ruf consists of the groom being called to the Torah. In many Reform congregations the couple (and possibly other members of the family) will be called up for an aliyah and/or the rabbi will offer a prayer for God's blessings on their marriage. In order to involve the entire congregation (among whom there will be many who will not be guests at the wedding itself), the family of the bride or groom may wish to sponsor the one Shabbat or kiddush following the service.

The Mitzvah of Conjugal Pleasure
It is a mitzvah for a man and a woman, joined together in Kiddushin, to take pleasure in sexual union and thereby enrich and strengthen their marriage.

Equality in Marriage
Although the Bible and later rabbinic literature attempted to protect married women, especially through the device of the ketubah (traditional Aramaic marriage contract), it is clear that Judaism, which developed in a patriarchal society, traditionally projected the husband as the dominant figure in marriage while the wife was often subject to severe disabilities and indignities. In the Reform Jewish view, Kiddushin establishes a bond of mutuality between a man and a woman. They are equal partners in the home, consecrated to one another unconditionally. Therefore, any aspect of a marriage or the preparations for a marriage which suggests the dominance or the diminution of one or the other partner should be recognized as such and avoided.

Prohibited Marriages
Since biblical times the laws of consanguinity (blood relationship) and affinity have prohibited marriages between certain relatives. These laws derive from the Torah and were extended in the Talmud." Reform Judaism retains these prohibitions, as does civil law generally.

Inappropriate Dates
Jewish tradition has set aside certain days and periods during which weddings may not be held, primarily Sabbaths and major festivals. Most rabbis would also consider Tish'a Be-Av, Yom Ha-Shoah," and certain mourning periods as times not suitable for the joy of a marriage ceremony. Because of these and other prohibitions and the variations of practice among rabbis, it is extremely important to choose the date of the wedding in consultation with the rabbi.

Waiting Before Remarriage
Jewish tradition prohibits the remarriage of a widow within ninety days of her husband's death and of a divorcee within ninety days of the divorce decree. Where there is no possibility of the birth of a child conceived before the death or divorce, there is no basis in Reform Judaism for a difference in waiting period between men and women. Propriety and prudence would indicate the lapse of at least thirty days, and preferably longer, before any remarriage for bride or groom. Tradition further prescribes that a widower wait for the passing of three festivals (Pesach, Shavuot, and Sukkot-a time lapse of at least seven months) before remarrying. This would seem to be a good rule for all, but special circumstances must always be considered. The rabbi's counsel should be sought here.

Death in the Family
If the death of a close relative of the bride or groom (particularly a parent, brother, or sister) occurs shortly before the scheduled marriage, the rabbi should be consulted as to the advisability of postponement.

The Place for a Wedding
The most appropriate place for a Jewish marriage ceremony is in one of the sanctuaries of Judaism, the synagogue or the home. The marriage ceremony, which is traditionally called Kiddushin -holiness- should take place in an atmosphere kedushah. When a hotel, restaurant, public hall, or dub is the locale for the wedding reception, the synagogue or home should be used, if possible, for the religious ceremony. There is a tendency to return to the old custom of holding marriage ceremonies under the open sky. But whatever location is chosen, the guiding principle is that the wedding be held in an atmosphere of kedushah.

Contents of the Ceremony
The essential features of a Jewish marriage ceremony are the declarations made to each other by bride and groom, the sharing of wine, the giving or exchange of a ring or rings, and the recital of traditional blessings. Generally, the marriage ceremony will also include some or all of the following a marriage canopy (huppah), escorts for the groom and the bride, the reading of a ketubah, and the breaking of a glass. Certain features of a wedding, eg, the procession, the attendants, the degree of formality, etc.., are matters of custom and etiquette which vary from family to family and from community to community. The bride and groom should discuss the ceremony with the rabbi during the premarital interview so that there is a clear understanding of what will and will not be included and of the meaning of the content of the ceremony. The couple might want to include material particularly meaningful to them. This, too, should be discussed with the rabbi.

The Vows and Rings
Since the Reform wedding ceremony is one of equivalence between bride and groom, the vows should be recited by both. Tradition prescribes that the groom recite.

Oif-ruf
Oif-ruf also known as oifrufen (Yiddish for "calling up"), is the custom of honoring the bridegroom prior to his wedding. He receives an aliyah and receives 'top billing," even over that of a bar mitzvah. It is usually the custom to have the oif-ruf on the Shabbes prior to the groom's wedding. He is called up to the Torah by the cantor, who uses a special melody to "announce" him. It is also the custom to shower the groom with raisins, nuts, and candies tied in little bundles. Both men and women shower him with these ancient symbols of fertility and sweetness. "Showering" is a polite term. The whole congregation usually gets involved, and a near melee occurs without exception, four or five people always holding out to throw their candies a little late. Some throw with great intensity; you'd think they retired from the Dodgers. (The candy is retrieved and eaten by the children in the congregation.) The groom recites not only the blessings over the Torah, but if he is sufficiently educated, he recites the Haftorah as well. It is a practice that is great fun and is very much alive today.